When You Were You
You ever looked back at something you wrote when you were younger and thought, "Whoah! What was I going through?". That was the reaction I had while going through my previous work. I definitely wrote a lot more frequently when I was younger. Mostly because I felt like this was my only outlet to express how I felt. Every thing that bothered me or caused me some strong emotional feeling was translated into a letter or a poem. This help to get those thoughts out of my head and onto a tangible piece of material I could hold outside of my body. Doing this helped to keep me from bottling things up but didn't aid in the healing from those past traumas. They still left wounds that would resurface every now and then due to triggers I failed to address.
Now that I am in a different space mentally and physically, I read these letters and post not as myself but a young woman who was facing a lot on her own. There really wasn't anyone she trusted or could relate, to talk to about any of it. The meaning of those words hold a lot more weight to me now that I can understand from an outside perspective. I've learned tremendously from my mistakes and continue to grow from them. It's important that I keep reminding myself where I came from because I don't ever want to take for granted where I've been or where I am now. It has taken a long time and is still in progress. I still have minor relapses which tell me that there's still more to be done but I am getting there. Learning to say no has been a continuous practice and saying exactly what is on my mind has been tough. This is because I'm constantly thinking about the feelings of others even when they have shown no respect for mine. Crazy right!
The day I can be fully free of toxic thoughts and have full control will be the happiest.